Getting cancer is something I worry about at least once a week. Seriously. In my mind, every ache, pain, and twitch in my body could be the start of some kind of cancer, which I will then suffer horribly with, and then die young so my children grow up without a mother. This is how my mind works. This fear of cancer did not come because I have had a lot of experience with cancer nor because I have a family history (other than my grandfather and a couple of great uncles on my dad's side). This fear started when I had kids. I worry that I'll die when they are young and I have convinced myself it will be from some kind of cancer. Yes I know this makes me sound kind of crazy.
I have watched every after school and Lifetime movie where the young kid, or mother, or girlfriend, has some kind of cancer, they suffer through horrible treatments, lose their hair, start wearing a bandana on their head, fall in love with someone awesome, and then die in the end anyway. I've read tons of books and watched episodes of Dateline about people suffering with cancer. I'm drawn to watch and read this stuff out of morbid curiosity.
I've been so worried about me getting cancer, it never occurred to me that anyone I know would get cancer. I just never thought about it. And in particular not my dad. My dad has been through so much crap in the past 15 years that I figured he had already had his fair share of medical issues and that he would live to be 90 or at least 85.
And then BAM there it is, he has cancer. This changes how the rest of his life will be. And my life, and my children's lives. As for me, this is too scary of a reality, too much of my fear is smacking me in the face. It just seems like this should be someone else's life....not mine.
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