Chemo treatment #5 today.  I expect my dad to sleep much of the day away tomorrow and Friday.  He has been having a rough time emotionally, I think he is finally beginning to process the idea of stage IV cancer.  He called in tears on Sunday but wasn't really able to articulate why he was upset.  Luckily Thomas loves talking to him on the phone. I put the call on speaker and gave the phone to Thomas. He dragged the phone all over the house while he jabbered to Grandpa.  When I got the phone back, my dad felt better, a little 2 year old humor can really lighten the mood.

Today he called me from the chair while he was getting the chemo, and I could tell he was sad. One of the nurses had shown him the schedule for the chemo for the rest of the year and he found out that he is on it until the end of the year, because his cancer is "progressive".  We had been told pretty clearly at the beginning that he would have to be on chemo on and off (mostly on) basically forever.  That is what happens when you have such an advanced stage of cancer, and is the only way to give him more time on this earth.  While my brother and I understood that from the getgo, I realized today that he really didn't.  I did my usual, "look on the bright side" speech.  "You are feeling better than you thought you would, and are able to go about your normal activities, and drive, and see your grandchildren" etc etc.  I could tell that this time the speech didn't really help much.  

Another week and then he has two weeks off, so I'm hoping he continues to feel ok so he can enjoy that time.
We will be with him this weekend,  this Father's day is going to be more meaningful than ever.

Another update

I'm glad things around here are so uneventful that I forgot to update the blog!   Chemo treatment #3 went well.  My dad did take a couple of doses of his anti-nausea medicine the first day after the treatment, but that was about it.  He says he is very tired, and has been sleeping more.  One thing my brother and I have been saying is that in a way, my dad's lifestyle even before he got sick is actually pretty conducive to recovery.  He was already physically disabled, and didn't have a 9-5 job.  He volunteered at a clothing store affiliated with the local hospital, but that was only a few hours a week.  So now if he is tired from the chemo he can just sleep.  The side effects aren't derailing his life as much as they might for someone who is younger and working.

I do expect the last three treatments of this cycle to be harder on him than the previous three.  I guess we will find out soon enough!

Chemo update

Today was my dad's second chemo treatment.  Thankfully last week was very uneventful.  He was at the hospital for about 8 hours and he was very tired that day, but he had no side effects at all.  Today was a much shorter day for him, and the nurses assured him that he probably won't notice many side effects this week either.
So phew...for now.  Thanks everyone for your kind words, it means alot.

First Day Jitters

Tomorrow my dad starts chemotherapy.

This is the part where I get really scared.  I can't even imagine how my dad must feel. I will not be going with him tomorrow, in fact he is going up alone.  My brother will pick him up and drive him home, but the nurse has explained to us that it is an all day process and he does not necessarily need someone by his side for the entire eight hours. I feel guilty for not being there, but in all honesty I don't know if I could handle it.  Normally, I am the "strong" one, I have never let my dad see me upset since the diagnosis.  I always try to reassure and explain things to him when he seems sad or unsure.  But Chemo scares the crap out of me and I don't know if I can handle this part.  I feel like I will fall apart seeing him hooked up to the bag of poison.  I feel like I will fall apart seeing him sick and hurting from the side effects.  I'm probably going to fall apart soon anyway but I'd  rather it not be in front of the guy who is already struggling to be brave.

I'm waiting for someone to swoop in and just take over from here on out so I can be the kid again.  Anybody?

And so it begins

Well there's nothing like a couple of sick kids at home to help distract me from the looming start of my dad's treatment.

On Tuesday my dad and brother went to Syracuse for oncology and pulmonology appointments, and to finally find out what the course of treatment will be.  He also has a new oncologist because the other one took a mysterious leave.  My brother seemed to like this guy better anyway as he was a little more straight forward and to the point.

Bottom line, they have to treat both cancers.  My dad looks and feels great, and based on that they've decided to do the radiation first.  He will get a 5 day course of radiation at Upstate Hospital, and they already called to set the appointment for this coming Monday.  The oncologist feels its better to do this first because there is no telling how he will feel with the chemo. He may become too weak to do the radiation at a later date.

Within three weeks from Monday he will begin chemo 1x a week for 6 weeks.

Those are the facts and now for the mushy part.

My dad was here for Easter and brought all three grandchildren baskets.  He really does a great job of picking out what they like, they are always so pleased with his gifts.  While I watched him drive away I got teary because since his illness I've come to realize that out of all of my children's grandparents, he has the most natural way with them.  They always run to him and hug him when he arrives.  They climb all over him when he sits at my kitchen table.  And it is all effortless.  He doesn't try too hard to get their attention, he just loves them and they know it.  I get angry sometimes because I see how close they are to him and I know they will most likely only have a short time with him.  I don't want them to have to go through the pain of losing someone they love so dearly.  On Sunday as he was about to leave he turned to Thomas and said "Grandpa's got to go home now"  Thomas said in his cute 2 year old voice "Don't go Grandpa, stay here with me"  

Thats the stuff that really really gets to me.

Two options and they both stink!

We finally got a phone call yesterday that outlines a plan for my dad and his treatment.  There have been a bunch of factors holding everything up, the main one being the spot on his lung. From the biopsy, we found that the spot on the lung is lung cancer and not colon cancer that has spread to the lung.  This means that it will have to be treated with radiation.

The plan has been outlined to me like this:

He will have a scan of the lung on Tuesday morning.  If the spot on the lung has grown since the last scan they will immediately do 5 days of SBRT, a type of radiation.  Then, when the radiation is complete they will start the chemotherapy for the colon cancer.

OR

If the scan shows that the lung spot has NOT grown, they will immediately begin chemo, and do the radiation during a break from the chemo.  The chemo will be 1x a week for 6 weeks and then 2 weeks off.

This is where the scary stuff begins.  Yes we've been impatient for him to begin treatment, but he has been feeling really good, and the idea that the treatments are going to make him feel bad, is kind of annoying.  But then again, we don't know how long he would continue to feel good with two different kinds of cancer in his body.  Its kind of a lose/lose situation any way you look at it.

This whole thing has become such a normal part of my every day life.  I find myself having perfectly calm conversations where I say things like " I hope the spot on his lung is lung cancer and not colon cancer"  When did it become normal for me to hope for one kind of cancer over another? I know when I started this blog I certainly did not think I would make this adjustment.  But I guess you really have to if you expect to make it out of something like this with your sanity intact.

The Neverending Diagnosis

This whole thing is really dragging on and on. The biopsy on my dad's lung will finally be this coming Monday. My brother spoke to the oncologist yesterday and she made it seem like she is already pretty sure its regular lung cancer, not colon cancer that has spread to the lung. The biopsy is just a way to confirm her theory.

This is not a doctor who can speak in layman's terms, so sometimes you come away from phone conversations slightly confused.  The gist my brother got was that they would do the radiation on that spot first before the chemo starts. She did not say how long he would have to endure the radiation.

My dad doesn't say much, but the wait has got to be taking a toll on him mentally.  We were away for a week so I haven't seen him in a while, but he has put back all the weight he lost and seems to be feeling great.  At least we have that to be thankful for.  Its kind of crazy for a hypochondriac like me to think that someone with Stage IV colon cancer AND lung cancer can be walking around feeling just fine.  Makes me think that scary things could be going on in my body and I could have no idea!