Tomorrow my dad starts chemotherapy.
This is the part where I get really scared. I can't even imagine how my dad must feel. I will not be going with him tomorrow, in fact he is going up alone. My brother will pick him up and drive him home, but the nurse has explained to us that it is an all day process and he does not necessarily need someone by his side for the entire eight hours. I feel guilty for not being there, but in all honesty I don't know if I could handle it. Normally, I am the "strong" one, I have never let my dad see me upset since the diagnosis. I always try to reassure and explain things to him when he seems sad or unsure. But Chemo scares the crap out of me and I don't know if I can handle this part. I feel like I will fall apart seeing him hooked up to the bag of poison. I feel like I will fall apart seeing him sick and hurting from the side effects. I'm probably going to fall apart soon anyway but I'd rather it not be in front of the guy who is already struggling to be brave.
I'm waiting for someone to swoop in and just take over from here on out so I can be the kid again. Anybody?
praying for you. I can't imagine....
ReplyDeleteHilary, as you seem to be the one that so many rely on...don't forget the many you have around you to lean on yourself. Your friends, near and far...even if it is just to listen for a moment, give a hug or make us laugh for just 5 minutes and take our mind away to another place. Often, I think as women we feel like we need to be the one to keep everything in order. And when our lives get to a place that seems so out of order it's almost too much for us to handle. Cherish every moment, every word, every time he looks at you with pride, every time your children fill him with joy. Let those thought be the ones that flood in on your dark days. Thinking of you and saying a prayer every day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Hilary.... You are and have always been such a strong person, but that doesn't mean that you can't lean on someone when you need it most. I'm glad that you are writing this out, and I hope that it helps. And if I lived closer, I would take you out for a drink and hug you as many times as you needed. Your father is blessed to have you for a daughter.
ReplyDeleteHilary... We are here for you! The best think for you to do is just be honest with your feelings! You have so many friends who would gladly sit with you, while you just let it out. I spent so many years bottling up how I felt and trying to not bother anyone when Jess died. Now I realize, being strong and silent, can make things tougher in the long run! Sam and I are here for you guys, if you want to talk or just share a laugh!
ReplyDeleteThis is terrible... I can't imagine what your whole family is going through.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself a break though. What you are going through is awful and you're only human. Cry, scream and kick if you have to. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you feel.
I am sending you tons of love.
xox